The recent tragedy of a Sarawakian teenager's death last month who made a poll on Instagram, allegedly on her life before her death has been getting global attention. Ironically the incident occurred during the week of Mental Health Awareness Week (13 - 19 May - it starts every year on 2nd Monday in May). Following this tragedy, again, people start to discuss the issue of mental health seriously. It’s a bless in disguise, however unfortunately it is sad to see that mental health seems to have become seasonal discussion. Only when something happened, people will talk about it, and take it seriously, start looking for statistics and experts' opinions.
Mental health issues should not be a taboo subject anymore, but the stigma around it is still huge in our society. The consequence of this, people are afraid to seek help, to share and be open about it.
May I ask, what do you think of people who went to see therapist or professionals for their mental health? Do all people think we are insane? Weak?
There's a saying, change starts with oneself. So here I go. This is not something shameful to share. Dear readers, I was once required to consult the hospital psychologist before finalize my decision to resign during HO time. That time, I was told that seeing a psychologist is a standard procedure then when a HO decided to resign. I was required to do personality tests and questions were asked. I answered alright, firm and assured with my feelings, until there are questions related to suicide. I was hesitate, 'putar belit' my answer to make it sound that I am okay and it finally came out. She suddenly asked questions again and again to confirm on the same issue, and finally said I need to be referred to psychiatrist. No, I have never attempted any act, but I have the thoughts. That thoughts alone, even though I did not act on it, but had been thinking it over and over again (in so many ways believe me), feeling my life was worthless, feeling I was better off dead than living a life I hate.... that is a warning. It had alerted the psychologist to refer me to psychiatrist.
So I went to see my psychiatrist for the first time. The session was far different from what I had seen on TV. There was no lying down on couch, no typical question like 'so how are you feeling today?', no me talking all about myself. It was a normal chit chat session with the doctor. He was helping me going through the thoughts and emotions that I had, understood it and dug out the awareness. Then, I had regular sessions of chit-chatting with my psychiatrist. I was also advised to take some medications regularly to stabilize my mood, helping me go through daily roller coaster of emotions. Sessions with my doctor gave me different perspective of things and life, set my mindset for things that really matters and helped me to make rational decisions - one of it was finishing my HO; with the purpose not to continue in line of practicing but to be able to gain financial stability and eventually I become a MO. More importantly I don't feel any judgement at all. When meeting professionals (e.g: psychiatrist, psychologist, therapies, 'shrink'), I believe they have the right tools, the right words to assist and the help that we need. That's also why continuity is important when meeting with the professional, so I always make sure to meet with the same doctor every time.
I couldn't remember if I actually completed my sessions but I remember doctor said I was stable enough that I didn't need to take medication anymore on regular basis. Then, I suddenly just left the hospital without even saying goodbye. My diagnosis was never clear. I don’t think it's depression but somehow I was prescribed anti-depressant., It's definitely not bipolar disorder, anxiety nor schizophrenia. Lucky for me, with all the emotions bottled up, I was still able to function well during work, I believed even my colleagues did not notice. There are cases which I know, people can't go on with their daily life or work, lost their capacity to function in the society, may Allah help and bless them.
People might wonder, what about my religion? How can people be so 'weak' to handle the emotions and have bad thoughts when we have Allah SWT? Well, the reality is not all of us are lucky enough to be close to religion in time of darkness. I certainly did not have a pure of heart and that could be the reason I was far away to receive hidayah or blessing in what I did. Our iman has its ups and downs, even the pious ones. During that darkest time, I must admit I was astray, religion was not in my hand nor heart. Yes, not my proudest moment. However, Alhamdulillah, I am grateful that I was eventually redirected.
Following the mental illness week and the tragedy, I recently attended a lecture session by a psychiatrist from a private hospital, which I think is not a coincident. The session was organized by the company I am working, attended by people from many departments, including in-house doctors, underwriters, claims assessors and product & marketing team.. It was a fruitful session and also a reminder to myself of what I have actually learned during medical school. Mental illness is a medical condition. It is caused by biomarkers anomaly in our brain, hence it’s not something that was made up by the patients. Sadly, the research and statistic in Malaysia is still very lacking due to poor registry. We are still lack of awareness and there is still big stigma about it in the society. There are also debates on how mental illness is also discriminated by the insurance industry. If you read closely the wordings of you insurance contract, treatment related to mental illness, death or injury related to mental illness are under exclusion, which means it is not covered by the insurance company. Why? Easy. First, the diagnosis is not based on some gold standard of laboratory test or some other test such as radio-imaging or biopsy. The diagnosis is mainly on observation and assessment of the experts based on critierias in one manual handbook called DSM-5. It is open to abuse . Secondly , it’s costly. The treatment is not only for 1 session, patient has to come for follow up of multiple sessions for a long period and the cost of consultation has no gold standard, the medications are expensive and some might have to go through treatment and consultations for the rest of their life, or eventually can be categorized as total & permanent disability. Working in the industry, I would understand the risk is too high and God knows how actuarial team is going to price products that will cover mental illness. I heard Singapore (not sure which company) has launched product that cover mental illness. It’s good to know that this manipulative industry is taking mental illness into consideration. Nevertheless, it is not impossible to have mental illness covered.
Mental health issue is real. If you think someone is going through hard time, struggling, please reach out. And if someone is reaching out to you for help, given them support and please, don’t judge. It is better to advice him or her to seek professional help if necessary. Seeking help for our mental health does not mean we are weak. There is also nothing wrong about being diagnosed with mental illness. Seeking help is a sign of strength. Sometimes we just need to talk things out, and listen to different opinion, advice or perspective than ours. If you have friends for it, then you're very lucky, he or she is a keeper. However there is also nothing wrong to talk about it with a stranger, a professional with the right experts. It is time we embrace the emotions or anomaly that we have, and not be ashamed about it. We are human after all.
Honestly, those sessions with my doctor helped me. I am still an introvert, do not simply share everything with others, but I have better understanding of my emotions, how to handle it and be okay with it. Reading books about our mystery mind, self-help book also helps.
I have not had any sessions with my doctor for a long time. But, after suddenly left, I got in contact again with my doctor, meet him occasionally and still keep in touch, ask update on each other.
So do you think I'm insane?
Those in need of someone to talk to can call the Befrienders KL at 03-7956 8145, or 04-281 5161/1108 in Penang, or 05-547 7933/7955 in Ipoh or email sam@befrienders.org.my.
Crisis support services can be reached 24 hours a day. In the UK and Irish Republic, contact Samaritans on 116 123. In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. In Australia, Lifeline is 13 11 14. Other international helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org.