I have a couple of experiences taking care of my niece (2 years and 6 months old ) and nephew (4 yrs 10 months old) while my sister and her husband were away. Of course I was not alone. Actually their intention was to leave them with my parents, but it just happened that I was with my parents as well then.
This might be an untraditional thoughts.
People said I might feel differently if I have my own child, one born from my womb. Someones said to me, "It's indescribable feeling. Yes, you'll have not enough sleep, endless chores, demands of attention, little time for yourself, but it will all worth it". Really? Knowing me, I feel like it's not for me. It's also not something I can just try, because when it happened, you have to commit for it. I don't want to be unfair to the child. It's not a responsibility that I'm willing to take. That's why I despise parents who neglect their child, and worse even abuse this tender human being. The experiences actually give me reassurance of not wanting to have kids of my own. To give commitment to another human being, to a long-lasting relationship which I can't escape. I am not ready. I can't. I don't want to. I realized I am not there (yet).
Looking at another point of view, to have a child, mostly one should dream to have a family too. The traditional nuclear family, mother, father and child. It takes two to tango, right? Seeing my sisters who have married and with children, I genuinely feel that they are lucky to be blessed with kind and understanding husband. Sometimes I thought, is my feeling of not wanting kids of my own is because I have not find the right partner? Raising a child is not a one woman show. It requires strong partnership between the husband and wife. My thoughts, maybe I have not found that ONE person that can make me feel I am willing to go through those sacrifices ? Why am I saying this, because it's not that I never have that feeling. I remember I used to have it. I dreamed about it. That was when I was younger, when I was in a relationship, when I was in love. People are always wiling to do anything when they’re in love right? (But those relationships obviously did not work out).
This however does not mean I’m not fond of kids. I like kids. Childhood is a very important period for us (human). During this tender age, we start exploring, being curious, learning new things. Be around them is joyful, answering their weird questions, witness their discovery, observe how they start connecting with other kids or adults. I learned that during this tender age, they absorb the most and emotionally influenced the most from their surroundings, especially their parents. I can’t be that failure. I hate to be a failure. I know, no parents are perfect, but if I am to be one, I want to be a good parent. While feeling that this commitment is too big for me now, I know I am not ready. I am not ready to sacrifice for others 24/7.
Am I happy? As I'm getting older, I am more comfortable being alone. I enjoy my own company. I am not really looking for a relationship seriously. I am just accepting things as it is. As time passing by , I learned many things and grow. My value of life changed, my priority changed. My perception of happiness has also changed.